THE TALES OF LIVING

Someone I haven't spoken to properly in years have just reached out to me - it's strange in a way it makes you wonder what goes through their head when they think "I think I'm going to talk to this person now after years of nothing"

Clearly something must have happened in their life to make them reach out? Normally there is a reason why you don't speak to someone: your drift away because one of you for some reason doesn't keep in touch or show any interest.

In this case I know it wasn't because of me. So it must have been on his part, I have my ideas of why he might have stopped talking to me also the fact that I fled The Homeland could have help in us growing apart.

But he's decided out of the blue to visit London and come and stay with me - for a few days. So I guess I'll have time to ask him about why we haven't spoken in years then.

As girls may know, every once in a while when walking past a construction site or even just a stranger on the street - one will get some kind of whistle/attention/comment.
Let me just start by saying that this normally doesn't happen to me, when I say that I mean at all
But the last few weeks there have been some incidents:

Incident 1:
Walking out of the estate that I live on (for those of you who don't know what an estate is click here), going to my friends engagement party I cross paths with a guy. This conversation follows:

Him: Hello gorgeous, where are you going?
Me: (Still walking, talking over my shoulder) To an engagement party.
Him: I hope it's not your engagement party!
Me: No, it my friends.
Him: I'll see you around
Me: (Keep walking towards the bus stop)


Incident 2:
In Tesco, getting my lunch - walking towards the cashiers tills

Him: Hello, how are you doing? (Sheepish smile)
Me: (Looks confused and keeps on walking)

Incident 3:
This morning, walking out from my estate when a guy on a bike passes me (not the same guy as incident 1)

Him: Good Morning Beautiful! (keeps biking past me)
Me: (Smiles quietly and keep on walking towards the bus stop)


So the question is, why does this suddenly happen now? Yet never happened before? I credit a new pair of high heeled boots that I like wearing and possible the fact that I've gotten slightly addicted to my curling iron.
The other big question is which approach to these types of situations is the best on to have? Incident 1, 2
or 3?

This post will be about nightmares - yes those...

I don't know how it is for you, dearest reader, but for me my nightmares always feel unshakingly real. As you probably could tell from my post Dreams 1 I have fairly vivid dreams and can often remember full dreams, multiple dreams from one night or at least I can describe a scene or a feeling.

Nightmares, for me personally, always feel very real and present when I wake up. Even though I know logically that it was a nightmare for the first 10 or 15 minutes of being awake in the middle of the night I'm awake but still rapped up in the blanket of the senario of the nightmare. I can often feel my body respond to it - my pulse won't settle and my muscles will still be tensing up to protect me from the unreal but unshakingly present threat of the dream world.

I remember a specific event that perfectly illustrates this situation - I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare: in the dream someone would appear as a shadow on the outside of my window, becoming a silhouette across the pulled shut curtain. At the time I was living in the room next to the front door of our house (since I have moved and now live in a room on the top floor). I used to call this room the burglary room as it is - apart from our sturdy blue painted front door it's the most logical point of entry for any uninvited guests.

I couldn't shake the dream, I kept on staring at the window. I knew I was awake, I knew that the dream was really fiction and it manifesting as reality would be an unlikely and far fetched possibility. But still, the illogical side of me was dead convinced that at any moment the silhouette would appear and I could not settle down - I had to call and wake up my at the time boyfriend and he had to talk me down for a few minutes to break the trans like state of being convinced that the dream is reality.

These days when I wake from a nightmare I try to read or listen to a radio show, sometimes even watch telly. It's like there is a need for an hour of normality to break the hovering feeling of the dream world.

It works the same with pleasant dreams for the first few hours of the morning I feel a strong presence of them, I remember all the details and can sometimes still feel the feelings of the dream. Whereas, with sad dreams I will every once in a while wake up and realise that I'm crying.

So dreams is a funny subject - some people remember theirs and some don't. They say we all have them, but talking to people about it one starts to sense the differences in peoples dreaming experience.

Some things I can do in my dreams that most of my friends can't:

1. Free will
I know in my dreams that it is a dream, that there is a script to the dream and I can choose to go along with it or I can choose to go and do whatever I want in the dream world.

2. Change of perspective
I can freely change between first person perspective and bird perspective - watching the dream slightly from above/third person perspective.

3. Fly
Most people can fly in dreams but I've discussed this with my Mum and she can only get to ceiling level and really struggles with it whilst I can soar in the sky among the clouds with no effort.

4. Influence
Not always, but quite often I can modify my dreams through the process of falling asleep. If I just picture/think about what I want to dream about when going to sleep that will often be what the dream is centred about - for examples say I think about unicorns then they will appear as a centred theme in the dream. Sometimes I can even make it 'event specific' think about a certain chain of events and thus making them happened they in the dream in the way I thought about them before.


As this post it called Dreams 1, the clever mind will realise that this is a subject that might become a bit of a series of posts

So after 3 years of work, I've finished my Bachelors degree in Music and Media Management and the graduation ceremony is looming and I must say:

I'm not all that excited by it.

I got my grades. I got my certificate.
Why, oh why is there a need for me to pay money for a cap and gown I'm not particularly looking forward to wearing and to buy photos that I know I won't look forward to pose for or look at? Well, I guess it's all for the parents at this point.

When I got my results I just felt empty. Not happy, not excited, not filled with a sense of achievement. Just indifferent. It's just such a small step - getting an education. The hardest thing will be finding a full time permanent contract with a company that I enjoy working for - no biggie should be done in about 5 minutes don't you think?

I went to the flower market this Sunday, I was looking for some lily of the valley... But I guess that roses weren't that bad either...

Silence, a good week worth of it.
A part of me wants to reach out to you, want to see you.
But a more rational part of me is thinking 'Leave it!' There's so many good reasons as why to leave it alone:
You probably don't care that much, hence not really being bothered enough to keep in touch.
If you're not that bothered about it, then clearly I should just leave it alone and don't care about it;
If you don't care enough then why should I?
Logically, we're probably too different anyway so why should I make any kind of effort to find this out.
What you say and what you do don't really add up and more than anything this makes me wary...

So I'll just be clever and leave it alone.

I like you
But I don't love you
You can sleep around, and you do
And I expect you to
But I wouldn't want you to
I know you say you like me
But I don't trust you
I want to be with you
But I don't want a relationship
I want you to want a relationship with me
But I would never ask for it
Because at the end of the day
I want you but I don't want you