THE TALES OF LIVING

You know on the bus - how you size people up. Check out their appearance and their style, have brief imaginations of what kind of person they could be.
Today in front of me on the bus was a guy: a bit taller than me, broad shoulders, wearing a football outfit with trainers and a big gym bag. He has a trendy hair cut and looks a bit like a bear man with a full well groomed beard.
When we're both getting off at the same station I see his hand when he holds on to one of the rails inside the bus.

Turns out we're wearing the same shade of pearly shine nail polish.

Sometimes you don't want to see the signs. Sometimes you want to believe that everything is as it should be. But then something happens, significant or insignificant, that wakes you up and make you realise that everything is falling back into its usual place.

We all have different views on time and what is enough pre-warning or time in advance. But I'm pretty sure that in this case someone could have given me more warning. I had plans with a person, who didn't used to be that punctual. But who has really made an effort and changed. However, calling me 45 mins after the decided time and letting me know that there is too much work to be done and cancelling, is a whole different thing.
I know that it's a valid reason and I do get it. However what I don't understand is why this fact was not discovered earlier and why I wasn't pre-warned - say an hour before said time. I would like to think that's general decency and social conduct. Even a small text would have been fine.

It's just the fact that I prepared, got ready - rushed so I would be ready for the said time and waited for 45 mins expecting him to pop by. In his defence he did say that he might arrive one or two hours later dependent on the work load. But it is still good measurement to get in touch with me before the earliest said time to let me know that there's too much work to be done. I know that the workload didn't magically appear at the time that we were going to meet.
It's not something that I'll hold against him and he doesn't have to live up to my ideas of sensible pre-warnings and letting me know in time that he can't make it. It is all good, but at the same time it really isn't.

But the worst thing is that it reminds me of how it used to be. There's a lot of water under the bridge and the current is just picking up.

So how come that the persons I want to speak to seem to allude me? Maybe that's why I want to speak to them - because they are not available to me. Let's call these persons Category A.

Whereas, the persons who are available to me - I find flaws with or can't seem to find a reason to get that excited by the attention and development. Let's call these persons Category B.

Category A
So let's talk about Example 1, a person who I've know for quite some time. I would say we've known each other for about 4 years now. We don't really meet that often - maybe once every 6 months for coffee. Example 1 is the kind of person who is really interesting, we get along well and always have interesting conversations. However, I feel a need/have a wish of becoming closer friends than just occasional coffee company. I do try with Example 1, I text and I Facebook but this is often meet with a wall of silence. However, I'm a girl who can take a hint so I don't push it too much. I'll send the occasional message every so often - far and few in between. And once in a blue moon it will be reciprocated with an answer. The last time I saw Example 1 - I actually brought this up. I laid my cards on the table, expressed how I keep in touch with Example 1 but Example 1 never keeps in touch with me. I got the answer that we could do something in a few weeks time and that Example 1 would reach out to me after the visit of this persons mother. What do you think happened? Nothing. Still I send the occasional message and text, and as normal I get absolutely nothing back. I don't know what the deal is with Example 1 and why I can't let it go. Clearly this person doesn't have the faintest interest in me or being my friend. Yet I have a really hard time resigning to the idea that I'm just an occasional Distraction/Amusement in this persons life.

Category B
So on to Example 2, this is a person who is very accessible to me. Who pays attention to me and who will make an effort to come over and spend time with me. I like the company of Example 2 and we have a good time together. We do know each other well and Example 2 does express thoughtfulness and care for me. However, sometimes I find myself wishing that Example 2 was someone else. I can still look at Example 2 and find myself baffled by all the flaws that I can find - like a little hint of selfishness, some level of immaturity and the list could go on. I know that I'm not perfect myself and that some of our mutual history may cloud my judgement. But something that I'm really sick of is the fact that I'm willing to admit my mistakes but when Example 2 does I have the feeling that it is only done to please me. Anyways, I enjoy the company and the attention but something about the situation is leaving me a little bit wary and suspicious.