I've been watching
Buckwild on MTV (a bit of a guilty pleasure, I know...). In the cast is a guy called
Tyler, who has this strange resemblance, in his looks and some of his mannerism to a guy I used to know when I was 16 - a then object of my affection. Let's call the guy that was the object of my teenage love Blondie - that's what he was called in my diary at the time. On the account of how stupid and air-headed I thought he was.
So watching Buckwild and seeing
Tyler, made me think of Blondie and what really went down between us when we were 16. So I reverted back to my diaries..
An open letter to Blondie from my diary (written when I was 16 years old):
I don't hate you, I am not mad at you. There is nothing I can do to make you feel anything for me. I'd rather be your friend than hate you just because it'll be the easiest thing for me. I have learnt something even if it did cost me quite a bit. But you haven't learnt ANYTHING from me. I think no, I KNOW that you are not aware of my feelings, my life and how I'm feeling now...
But the worst thing is that if you would want to be with me again, I wouldn't be able to resist you...
I have learnt something even if it has costed me tears, energy and power. But you are still wandering around as a clueless and inconsiderate person and you could act the same way again without realising it.
Now to the story behind my "teenage" love:
I used to sail at a ship, think going to summer camp but on a ship and you're pretty close to it. There was a boy and I am a girl - you know how the story goes. Last day of the trip we spent the night sleeping under the stars, him on his jacket - me on his shoulder. We all said our good byes. A few weeks later, he calls me and tells me that there was going to be a new trip and that I should come. I do, I feel like he wants me there, that he has missed me. He spends all of the next trip hitting on another girl (with blonder hair and bigger breasts) and completely ignoring me.
I had a rough autumn after that summer. Sure Blondie acted like a prick, but to be fair I think that I blamed him for a little bit too much back then. He was only a boy, most likely unaware of how he hurt me. And I was most likely too naive. I went through a massive depression and the incident with Blondie was the shot from the gun marking the start of that marathon. In hindsight - he wasn't even close to the root of those feelings.
But at the time I sure blamed him for it!
