THE TALES OF LIVING

You know on the bus - how you size people up. Check out their appearance and their style, have brief imaginations of what kind of person they could be.
Today in front of me on the bus was a guy: a bit taller than me, broad shoulders, wearing a football outfit with trainers and a big gym bag. He has a trendy hair cut and looks a bit like a bear man with a full well groomed beard.
When we're both getting off at the same station I see his hand when he holds on to one of the rails inside the bus.

Turns out we're wearing the same shade of pearly shine nail polish.

Sometimes you don't want to see the signs. Sometimes you want to believe that everything is as it should be. But then something happens, significant or insignificant, that wakes you up and make you realise that everything is falling back into its usual place.

We all have different views on time and what is enough pre-warning or time in advance. But I'm pretty sure that in this case someone could have given me more warning. I had plans with a person, who didn't used to be that punctual. But who has really made an effort and changed. However, calling me 45 mins after the decided time and letting me know that there is too much work to be done and cancelling, is a whole different thing.
I know that it's a valid reason and I do get it. However what I don't understand is why this fact was not discovered earlier and why I wasn't pre-warned - say an hour before said time. I would like to think that's general decency and social conduct. Even a small text would have been fine.

It's just the fact that I prepared, got ready - rushed so I would be ready for the said time and waited for 45 mins expecting him to pop by. In his defence he did say that he might arrive one or two hours later dependent on the work load. But it is still good measurement to get in touch with me before the earliest said time to let me know that there's too much work to be done. I know that the workload didn't magically appear at the time that we were going to meet.
It's not something that I'll hold against him and he doesn't have to live up to my ideas of sensible pre-warnings and letting me know in time that he can't make it. It is all good, but at the same time it really isn't.

But the worst thing is that it reminds me of how it used to be. There's a lot of water under the bridge and the current is just picking up.

So how come that the persons I want to speak to seem to allude me? Maybe that's why I want to speak to them - because they are not available to me. Let's call these persons Category A.

Whereas, the persons who are available to me - I find flaws with or can't seem to find a reason to get that excited by the attention and development. Let's call these persons Category B.

Category A
So let's talk about Example 1, a person who I've know for quite some time. I would say we've known each other for about 4 years now. We don't really meet that often - maybe once every 6 months for coffee. Example 1 is the kind of person who is really interesting, we get along well and always have interesting conversations. However, I feel a need/have a wish of becoming closer friends than just occasional coffee company. I do try with Example 1, I text and I Facebook but this is often meet with a wall of silence. However, I'm a girl who can take a hint so I don't push it too much. I'll send the occasional message every so often - far and few in between. And once in a blue moon it will be reciprocated with an answer. The last time I saw Example 1 - I actually brought this up. I laid my cards on the table, expressed how I keep in touch with Example 1 but Example 1 never keeps in touch with me. I got the answer that we could do something in a few weeks time and that Example 1 would reach out to me after the visit of this persons mother. What do you think happened? Nothing. Still I send the occasional message and text, and as normal I get absolutely nothing back. I don't know what the deal is with Example 1 and why I can't let it go. Clearly this person doesn't have the faintest interest in me or being my friend. Yet I have a really hard time resigning to the idea that I'm just an occasional Distraction/Amusement in this persons life.

Category B
So on to Example 2, this is a person who is very accessible to me. Who pays attention to me and who will make an effort to come over and spend time with me. I like the company of Example 2 and we have a good time together. We do know each other well and Example 2 does express thoughtfulness and care for me. However, sometimes I find myself wishing that Example 2 was someone else. I can still look at Example 2 and find myself baffled by all the flaws that I can find - like a little hint of selfishness, some level of immaturity and the list could go on. I know that I'm not perfect myself and that some of our mutual history may cloud my judgement. But something that I'm really sick of is the fact that I'm willing to admit my mistakes but when Example 2 does I have the feeling that it is only done to please me. Anyways, I enjoy the company and the attention but something about the situation is leaving me a little bit wary and suspicious.

One of the more annoying things with meeting guys - dating in general. Is the tendency we all have to blow hot and cold. Some do it more than others - but we all take part. From the fully fledged 'pick up artist' to the guy who has read a book called 'The Game' to the girl that follows her own rules regarding how many hours to wait before she texts him or how many dates before she sleeps with him. Or the boy that chases you and then doesn't call back or the girl who sleep with you and now doesn't call you back.

We all do it, despite our best intentions. We all send mixed messages. No one is ever truly 100% a truth-telling straight shooter. I like to think I am, I'm sure that there are many of us who like to think that we are, am I right?

But let's study the facts - there are certain situations where even I can look back and hold my hands up and agree that indeed I do blow hot and cold like the best of them.

Honestly, we all do it in the first stages of dating - if we are really keen on someone that might be hard to confess to. Yes, we still show that we like them and are keen but really if they straight out ask you how much you like them - you would probably play it down. You don't know that person too well yet and it would make you feel exposed and vulnerable.

Truth be told - this level of hot and cold treatment, maybe not the worst of it but still. Same thing when you're dating someone and you have that gut feeling letting you know it probably won't work out. But there is no concrete proof, so you go along with it a bit more just to be sure since he/she is perfectly nice. That is kind of in a indirect way blowing hot and cold.

So no matter how good our intentions are - we all do it more or less dependent on our level of truth-telling straight shooting. Finally, at the moment I'm going through a period of blowing hot and cold with myself - it's a one woman head game.

To be continued...

So this is song lyrics, from a Swedish song, translated to English - I think that the reflection of guys in it speaks for it self:

Sweetheart, who is he the one who's sleeping in your bed?
Me and Dad, we've been wondering, we've talked, we've thought
We want you to know that we care no matter what has happened
But does he work? Does he even have a high school credits?


I myself have some experience behind me
You decide for yourself, but you should also know what we think
So he's working with music? Is it really a profession?
He should be studying law if you are looking for safety


He might have been sitting in jail, what happened to your confidence?
He might be doing drugs, you may be co-dependent
Aim at the top otherwise you may end up with
that you leave your husband at a nursing home for his sexual addiction.

Have you every thought about how many people that you don't speak to that are in your phone book on your mobile phone? People you don't ever call or text. People that you don't even know that well, that you might not even like or that you may even dislike.

I've been going through my phone book today and deleting contacts:

Someone from university I haven't spoken to in 2 years? Deleted

Someone I met in a bar and then never saw again? Deleted

Old work colleagues that I don't like? Deleted

Those old friends that I never hang out with? Deleted

That one night stand that I'm now ignoring? Deleted

The boy I kind of liked but who's playing with my head? Deleted

Friends of friends that I don't hang out with anymore? Deleted

That guy that took me out on a horrible first date? Deleted

All I can say is that it's quite refreshing - feels a bit like a spring clean. I know I don't really want to reach out to these people so it's fine I don't need to carry their numbers with me in my pocket every day of my life.

Done and Dusted.

I just bought some nettle tea.
It smells like hay.
It takes like warm hay.

But I kinda like it.